Why Do You Hate Me

The chapters of Mr. Briggs and I came to an end hoping I would be able to have a new beginning instead of feeling like our relationship was on TIVO trying not to replay the memories. I changed, I saw myself going on multiple dates with nothing but emotional changes because he was still there in the back of my mind. I wish I had a reset button to where I didn't have one last thing to say about him. I found myself holding on to him trying to replace him, the text message that had me question all this. "Why do you hate me?". "Should I hate him?". Most people would say yes if I took a survey but I couldn't. I couldn't hate the person that gave me smiles and lessons even though he gave me bruises and sadness. What a contradiction huh? As I went on these dates I was holding myself back, it was one by one that I said I couldn't continue with another date and the excuse was that I wasn't ready because I had so many things going on in my life but the truth is that after our breakup the walls were manufactured from what was hate or maybe bitterness. I replied "I don't hate people", not sure if I meant it on his behalf though. "So with the ex's in your life how do you shake the lost cause and once you do shake them off where does the love go?"

Back Words

I almost had it, almost had it back because now it's hard to find someone, then deja vu kicked in when he said "I'm not ready to be in one, standing at the fork shaped road again "I don't want to hurt you in the end", the pattern of being told the same thing was what I call a "Boyfriend in Disguise". After so many repeats I learned to walk away whistling and not looking back. A fragile individual I was becoming for love, he had a disguised it for a month, that made me believe this perfect fairy tale and all I am, just a friend. The image of saying goodbye was a slide show that was on repeat, dictating my next relationships. In a world of possibilities with each single person why is it that we're still looking for the next best thing? The burden of what he meant to me made me somehow feel safe and as how unhealthy that sounds it was a safety net. The insanity of not being noticed other than just a guy that came and gone was the back words, yes I wanna go back undo the tragic and the hurt.

To Be Continued....

Love is a Melody

Love is what I consider to be so many melodies in ones ear. I felt like the piece that you latched on inside my heart start to fall when I woke up separately, hold on this a repeat measure of how much you love someone. The way you became a part of me was hell in a particular way and what explanation would I give since I have nothing but millions of good reasons in my head. Congratulations I made the list within the "stupid in love" quote. I thought maybe if I was consistent you would see that I was trying to love you, guess maybe right now is impossible. The certain urge of irritation clouded my emotions because the way you held me and the way we kissed, the imprint on my lips, the pressure of what we thought was being together. "So after the not really knowing the person are those feelings real you got the first or was it a waste of time?"
"We'll we be ok after this?" I asked him. "When you leave we will be." He responded. A melody of love was different in my ear this time around.

To Be Continued.......

Intervention 101

"Have I done this before?" I asked myself this question as it was presented to me from a guy that I thought I clarified our status. I became the guy that had no salvation when it came to keeping something platonic with guys. I was the guy that stood in the cold, wind blowing in my face with two guys that felt as if I played them having my hands tied behind my back wishing I could press rewind on the what I call "indiscretion" sort a speak. A mistake that brought me no redemption but to an unfortunate cross road where I felt fingers pointing at me no matter which way I turned. I was stuck with just me, myself, and I trying to hide from what I felt was nothing more than a barrel of stones thrown at me. "Did I perform some act of deception?". I believed it that moment and with that thought came others as to how my life went from good to bad, how I sank to depression. The surprise hit me before I went to sleep and as I got up thinking that it was just a dream it wasn't, it was an intervention 101 on my ass.

P.S. I'm sorry........ And to the innocent bystander I'm sorry you were caught up

WTF

The task of having him feel you up whenever since I conveniently right there jilted and jabbed my ego and my mind. After the last encounter you kinda get that disease called panic, yes you hurt me at times....It was going on 2 months trying to figure out how two people who went to bed together each night were so distant from each other, it was my complication I laid in bed with hoping that the next morning it wouldn't be just a glance of infatuation but one of endearment because for some reason I find myself ending up in situations that makes these short stories possible. That hope was fail, instead I just get up and straight to the kitchen for tea I go. I realized that after certain flashbacks I was there again, living the moment when I was with Mr. Briggs, having my demeanor picked and poked at because he meant more to me than I did at the time. It was deja vu on some levels while I sip on tea each morning in the kitchen replaying these incidents. Instead of having the official status all I had was the "roommate status". WTF? Another WTF moment is when I get invited out by friends it's never have fun!, instead it's hmmmmok which when you read between the lines its jealousy with an extra "who the hell is he and why are you going?" All that spinning in the head just makes you wanna run into a wall trying to make any sense as to why each night he's the one you hear snore and the one you make sure he has the covers on him because he looks cold. Right now its 4am with still no explanation to this complication except WTF?

To Be Continued....

My Remedy According to Him

The validation of what we want each other to say is the complicated part when starting out. I asked him the question," what should I say if someone talks to me wanting to be more than friends". The response he gave me was not the response I expected which is full of games but maybe a response of what I call a remedy to my validation. Expecting the tragedy after that night since my track record was nothing more than strike outs after my first relationship. I was becoming the old single gay man with nothing more than fairy tale stories about what I think love is and how intoxicating it is to be in one. The beginning of this story is what is considered the up and downs of one, he bought me a drink and we started talking knowing nothing but each others age which took him by surprise since I was older. I just wanted to be another person in his life since I knew how this story would end, nothing intentional, pretending that I needed to be alone. Peculiar that I looked at him dead in his eyes with a smile that let him know I'm still fragile with a bit of confusion in my gut, hoping my precondition would be something good, he would just get to know me.

To Be Continued.....

I Want it Right Now

His body kept me warm last night while I laid on his chest. The compassion I felt on his lips as he kissed mine, had me grip the sheets, arching my back as he ran his tongue down my chest, rubbed his curve between my legs directing it with my hands letting him he can have it now or later. I looked at him rubbing the top of his head letting me know he wanted the tip of my tongue to give it a massage. The twirl I gave had him moan crossing the line to a slight grunt. After the pleasure he endured it was my turn, aggressively he had me on my back grinding hard guess he wanted to put his claim on it damn "I liked it rough". The intensity he put on my cakes satisfying me had me wrap my legs around his waist giving me something to look at in the mirror, the reflection of his exterior and with the "I want to right now" thought. "Fuck time to go to work".

To Be Continued....

I Want it Right Now

His body kept me warm last night while I laid on his chest. The compassion I felt on his lips as he kissed mine, had me grip the sheets, arching my back as he ran his tongue down my chest, rubbed his curve between my legs directing it with my hands letting him he can have it now or later. I looked at him rubbing the top of his head letting me know he wanted the tip of my tongue to give it a massage. The twirl I gave had him moan crossing the line to a slight grunt. After the pleasure he endured it was my turn, aggressively he had me on my back grinding hard guess he wanted to put his claim on it damn "I liked it rough". The intensity he put on my cakes satisfing me had me wrap my legs around his waist giving me something to look at in the mirror, the reflection of his exterior and with the "I want to right now" thought. "Fuck time to go to work".

To Be Continued....

Dear Secret

An epiphany, trying so hard to not let another in because I guess Love is jaded, well in my world it is. It starts with a perfect kiss the summer of 08', I gave my time and in return just a lesson learned with a bruise to my self esteem. No one knows about the secret you had me promise not to tell. It took me so long to pick myself back up after you left me with a disease of being lazy to leave, too many times you had me feel like not loving you no more but so many times I just froze and rolled with it, trying so hard to keep you here. I came so far with the knowledge behind the pain you gave me. The poison that had me fooled with the happily ever after it became far from the truth. I had good reason to keep it moving saying "I don't need you" but I stayed with you for that long being submissive to your needs thinking I wouldn't do much better. Did I want to get him back since revenge supposedly is bitter sweet? No I just walked off with an "mmmmok" knowing that he would get what he deserved in the end.

To be continued...

Gave Up Pt 2.

The conversation between our bodies became fluent as if we've known each other from long ago. The contact we made was nothing more than sexual that night. "Damn nigga". I moaned as he aroused my thighs with his thick "yea". It felt so good to feel the extra length while my fingertips clenched down his back, I started arching my back trying to hold in the screams inside. The song was about to end when he said I want to position you differently. He controlled my slow grind by holding my waist with his sexy hands. I remember Keri Hilson's "Make Love" was beginning to play and I felt him taking it slow, matching each voice arrangement I became in tune with the beat. He said he was gonna give it to me "slow and deeper". The best part was the feeling of strong hands on my shoulders motivating me to want more even though my body was shaking. I told him to keep it right there for a moment, hoping he would just bang. The sweat was rolling down his face,neck and his chest after an hour of saying baby please.

To Be Continued....

Love Games

Our song was on repeat that night thinking our chemistry was amazing, how I was able to count on him till he disappeared out of my memory. This time was our last goodbye since I acknowledged the fact that I wasn't his he was someone elses. I missed it all, the signs that told me we had expired. It felt like I couldn't forget him because of the times that he made me smile, put tears on my face, the shook in my heart. Why do we allow ourselves to fall that hard? The first date we met was something like a yes, a yes to all of what I was looking for knowing that it went against everything I write about when it came to relationships. It was today I realized I couldn't wait for him till the time was right but the more I think about it the more I know I missed him. My mind started drifting believing that maybe he didn't care since my train of thought was "If something is good shouldn't it last"? I knew he cared but I needed to let go by all means necessary, trying to make him see that I couldn't be the guy he needed, a backup just in case his current relationship didn't work. How is it that he was everything I wanted in a guy yet everything I couldn't have? I could see his eyes in my phone when he called as his picture came on my screen, the picture the looked at me saying wait patiently. I hesitated to pick up hoping that I was able to push ignore but instead I let the phone ring, understanding that it was my fault for following behind the thought of soul mates. I always thought he would learn to love me without being told but I didn't want to tell him what to do. The many times he apologized about how we couldn't make things official I wasn't afraid to keep this as long as I did but at the end of this phase it killed me knowing that I always seem to find the misery of being lonely. I gotta move on now......

To Be Continued...

Oh So Wrong

He challenged my game after few drinks. The bulge of his strength was rising as he walked back from the kitchen to the couch I knew he was ready to lay it down in the bed. I imagined the intensity as I heard his baritone voice moaning as he gave it to me deeper. The back of my mind was saying is this one a keeper? I needed to seduce his cravings and I needed to realize that I wanted it to be more than sex. The fact still remained I also wanted to fuck. I needed the contact, he grabbed my waist held me in his arms, and fulfilled my mouth with his tongue, he told me he wanted to cater my needs that night. I was over analyzing the comment. I took off his t-shirt his cologne the smell aroused me, I wanted to drop his pants right there but as the second verse to Keri Hilson's "Make Love" was playing I told him to take it easy even though I wanted him to be rough. I felt his bulge and his whispers were playing tricks with my mind, my emotions. I saw the reflection on the mirror of the sexy skin tone against mine as he had me against the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist, damn I needed a cigarette and I don't smoke.

To Be Continued...

Right to be Wrong

I wanted to take the bad with the good but all I got was a scandal after it was over. It was more so I felt the feeling of a 2nd thought. I fell hard and I didn't know how that happened with the happy and sad talks. Was he worth my fall, should he leave his boyfriend? The confusing part of being single is trying to figure out who the right one is. "Do you love me?". The text message after I tried deleting him from what I considered to be for good. The side effect of being in love was draining and the thought of being out of love brought me back to what I called a second thought. I spent too much time worrying why him? I couldn't seem to shake him since all we did was turn around to make up. It felt like the addiction to sex thinking each time we made up it would get better. This was the feeling of playing with love, and if I left would he miss my love or maybe I just misunderstood? We kept talking with the acknowledgment that he had a boyfriend and all I had was his text messages. I wasn't sure where things were going and how deep I got myself into but the truth was that I became unhappy. "If you don't want me then why are you talking to me". The billion dollar question. Mr. Currie didn't give me an answer thinking it would be ok just as long we told each other we loved each other. It became a rotation that I needed to stop but I had more than the right to be wrong

To be continued...

Dedicated To Him

I realized I was drying my eyes puzzled that I kept coming back to the idea that he was the one that I would be with, since hope was what I was holding unto. It was part of the obsession between us just like the space that kept us from trying to figure things out. The agreement of not letting go trying not to say goodbye. I didn't ask to meet him nor he asked to meet me and maybe he was suppose to cross the line of being single with me. I was daydreaming about everything that could be but what good would I get from it. The feeling of it being right was conflicting with my mind saying that it was wrong. Mr. Currie was another guy who happened to have someone in his life but for some reason fell hard for what we had. It was a crash and burn situation from the start since we didn't hit the brakes when it came to telling each other our secrets, our feelings. What happens when your heart is torn for two people and does it make you go insane? As each day that goes by I ask myself could we have prevented it? The emptiness that I desperately tried to fulfill turned out to be the heartbeat of each syllable when I told him "I loved him". The picture of him in a white tee looking down at his phone with the yellow and white painted house became my lifeline of sanity so the distance and the fact I was boyfriend #2 wouldn't bother me making me restless. It was obvious that I was stuck, so what do you with the part of you that wants to stick around because with him you get the feeling of "everything falls away" but the other part is saying this may not be right for us.

To Be Continued..........

416 Hancock

The times he hurt me and with pains at the end of the day. Yes we played the roles of Mr. And Mrs. Smith. After the hate and the complaints since it was the base of our relationship I stayed and just said "I love you". It got obnoxious telling him not to leave me. After 4 months of not seeing him I heard the beating in my chest again as I walked down Hancock. It wasn't the cold but the butterflies I was meeting up with Mr. Briggs. My body shaking of the cold air that night trying to look cute because even after breaking up with someone the rule of spite is to look your best so that he knows what he gave up. I was getting closer trying to pretend it was just a business meeting since that was the angle I used to see him, was it a mistake? It was tough but I felt obligated to allow myself see if I still had feelings for him, if I still had patience. I sat on his couch drinking the tea he made me, looking to the side because he was staring. He gave me a look that I couldn't describe but made me feel some kind of way. It seemed like I was becoming cynical telling myself I was his but after so long of putting my emotions on hold I was being pulled back to my surroundings of misery and it seemed that it was all I needed to keep hating him. I sit here with his head resting on my lap thinking about the risk I didn't take, leaving his doorstep and moving on to the next one.
To be continued......

Happyily Never After

The broken promises he gave me, said it was just me. I told him I was able to handle the habits the pain, made myself believe that I didn't see the broken ones yet I was the one trying to make our love feel like heaven.It seemed that he was doing the same trying categorize my role as the victim who nags for no reason which made us fall apart. Maybe when it comes to promises they're meant to be broken.He screamed my name at the top of his lungs with his fist held high, telling me I was to blame and I was tired of working so hard tearing my character down. I told him no matter where we were we could still make it work if we'd stop arguing long enough. I stood in the kitchen gathering my thoughts, wrapping my head around what he said. I wanted to let go, "damn" I couldn't pull away. Instead I held on and got burned. In a moment of weakness how far do you go to keep what you think is right? And if fate brought me here why is it more than what you bargained for? I was left hanging making me say what we were thinking. There I was all alone with my reflection that pointed out the hopeless look that embedded my fate. It was as if we were already gone. Looking at him made it harder to say what was at the tip of my tongue. Did I love him enough to let him go? To be continue....

Turn Off the Lights

It became a routine, the call which led to the dirty talk then the bust. I couldn't hold back the cravings it was like a cry for help to speak to him, to hear his voice, the grunts that made my toes excited and my senses rise because it was a habit and I became hooked. The tone of excitement in my moans as I'm close to his left ear taking him to ecstasy. We became dangerous over the phone since we found that we had freaky tendacies. The full effect of telling him I wanted to start at the tip of his arrogance with my tongue and working my way to his head gently massaging his thickness in a swirling motion letting him release his builtup tension. He caressed my neck letting me know to endure it deeper in order to fulfill my mouth, the hardness of it gave me my longevity and with the interlocking with our hands we breathed heavly. It was the intensity when he placed his lips within my thighs and kissed every part of my body. I wanted more of his emotion and how I could see the pulse of his vein begging to penetrate inside of me again..

To Be Continued..

Hello Hearbreak

Living in the most confident city, you tend to always keep yourself up to par, and of course the game we all play called dating. I look at living in NYC to be a experience that will give me the sense of living life to the fullest and yet so far all I can share is my stories of past dates, past relationships, and anything else that would make me a interesting writer. I consider myself a relationship anthropologist with the potential to be a writer for the gay community to shed light on how I live life as a gay guy in a big city. I remember being at a restaurant called BB Q's, where I received flowers and catch myself running back to Mr. Briggs, no matter what happened the night or week before. I let myself down in so many ways when it comes to love. Hello heartbreak I say,like it's an addiction for me. I can't seem to figure what I have in my life with Briggs and maybe it's meant not to be figured out just yet. I asked him why the flowers? He gave me a reply that he was trying to save what he had, that response just confused me because I didn't even know what we had. I always thought that he would be different, not different like weird but different because out of all the guys that I met since I've been in NYC he called back for the second date. As we sat at BB Q's the hardest habit to get rid of within me just kept nagging over and over. I over think everything and it was the flowers that kept running across my mind, why? Where as I should have just accepted them with the hopes that he was trying to mend things. So there you go one flaw and many more to discover. I was in need of alcohol, lots. We started drinking and I was just sitting there with my big glasses looking like no one other than one of the Olsen twins, a skinny chick with big glasses and a big purse. I have a nickname for you he said "Little Miss Sunshine". I started laughing because out of all the names, Mr. Briggs came up with that one to call me and yes it did fit at the time. We exchanged glances and I held his hand, but why did it feel like it was a secret, just as he introduces me as just a friend who he has relations with and intimate moments with, and I can't forget the fun times of course where we laughed at certain things and we have this thing where we grrr with our fists being balled up at little things that bother us. I miss that now. We was ready to leave and go to some lounge for more drinks and for his meeting with someone named B. Scott. I wasn't expecting to go but he invited me. I was shocked, shocked because for the past week we actually acted like a couple, a happy one. Is happy a disease that we try so hard to get to? .........

Dear Mr. Briggs

With each heartache there is a meaning so is that why you hold on? I was holding on. "Will things change?" after being on the phone with Briggs till 5:30 am, I realized he was the step I took each day without looking back, the one that I gave each heartbeat to. I sat between his legs eating ice cream while he was working on his projects and I thought "Are we here?". The place that I haven't been at for the past 2 weeks, not being able to feel him next to me, would this make up for all the pain we've been through? It looked better from the outside because it was my imagination that had me see it that way. I remembered every word he said, he became my devils advocate the person that picked at me piece by piece and didn't care what my feelings were towards him. He didn't see me like I wished he would, and with my eyes getting watery with the question mark in my head, I asked can we make it, will we make it? I was beginning to feel like I was falling off the edge of my sanity. I looked down as I felt the gulp of stupidity in my throat. When it came to love with Briggs do I honestly believe that he would be my second chance at happiness? It's been said that love comes to you, Mr. Briggs came to me unexpectedly. He let me in his life and I let him in mine. Is anything you really want worth fighting for, and if so is he worth fighting for?

Not Your Stepping Stone

When he touched me I cringed with fear. Not fear of physical abuse but fear of what would happen next. I crept into the bathroom and as I saw myself in the mirror, I knew I lost the one I wanted. I noticed the busted blood vessel in my left eye and the scratches on my arm, was this the feeling you get when someone says they care for you? If I were him would I do the same or would I just shrug my shoulders? That night I wished Mr. Briggs was there instead of the other man that was stressed on life and so shamed of what he had. He blew up with no remorse for his actions and with everything that happened he finally asked me what I wanted from him. A kiss on his lips and my hand slowly letting go I walked off saying "That's all I got for now."

To Be Continued....