Dedicated To Him

I realized I was drying my eyes puzzled that I kept coming back to the idea that he was the one that I would be with, since hope was what I was holding unto. It was part of the obsession between us just like the space that kept us from trying to figure things out. The agreement of not letting go trying not to say goodbye. I didn't ask to meet him nor he asked to meet me and maybe he was suppose to cross the line of being single with me. I was daydreaming about everything that could be but what good would I get from it. The feeling of it being right was conflicting with my mind saying that it was wrong. Mr. Currie was another guy who happened to have someone in his life but for some reason fell hard for what we had. It was a crash and burn situation from the start since we didn't hit the brakes when it came to telling each other our secrets, our feelings. What happens when your heart is torn for two people and does it make you go insane? As each day that goes by I ask myself could we have prevented it? The emptiness that I desperately tried to fulfill turned out to be the heartbeat of each syllable when I told him "I loved him". The picture of him in a white tee looking down at his phone with the yellow and white painted house became my lifeline of sanity so the distance and the fact I was boyfriend #2 wouldn't bother me making me restless. It was obvious that I was stuck, so what do you with the part of you that wants to stick around because with him you get the feeling of "everything falls away" but the other part is saying this may not be right for us.

To Be Continued..........

416 Hancock

The times he hurt me and with pains at the end of the day. Yes we played the roles of Mr. And Mrs. Smith. After the hate and the complaints since it was the base of our relationship I stayed and just said "I love you". It got obnoxious telling him not to leave me. After 4 months of not seeing him I heard the beating in my chest again as I walked down Hancock. It wasn't the cold but the butterflies I was meeting up with Mr. Briggs. My body shaking of the cold air that night trying to look cute because even after breaking up with someone the rule of spite is to look your best so that he knows what he gave up. I was getting closer trying to pretend it was just a business meeting since that was the angle I used to see him, was it a mistake? It was tough but I felt obligated to allow myself see if I still had feelings for him, if I still had patience. I sat on his couch drinking the tea he made me, looking to the side because he was staring. He gave me a look that I couldn't describe but made me feel some kind of way. It seemed like I was becoming cynical telling myself I was his but after so long of putting my emotions on hold I was being pulled back to my surroundings of misery and it seemed that it was all I needed to keep hating him. I sit here with his head resting on my lap thinking about the risk I didn't take, leaving his doorstep and moving on to the next one.
To be continued......

Happyily Never After

The broken promises he gave me, said it was just me. I told him I was able to handle the habits the pain, made myself believe that I didn't see the broken ones yet I was the one trying to make our love feel like heaven.It seemed that he was doing the same trying categorize my role as the victim who nags for no reason which made us fall apart. Maybe when it comes to promises they're meant to be broken.He screamed my name at the top of his lungs with his fist held high, telling me I was to blame and I was tired of working so hard tearing my character down. I told him no matter where we were we could still make it work if we'd stop arguing long enough. I stood in the kitchen gathering my thoughts, wrapping my head around what he said. I wanted to let go, "damn" I couldn't pull away. Instead I held on and got burned. In a moment of weakness how far do you go to keep what you think is right? And if fate brought me here why is it more than what you bargained for? I was left hanging making me say what we were thinking. There I was all alone with my reflection that pointed out the hopeless look that embedded my fate. It was as if we were already gone. Looking at him made it harder to say what was at the tip of my tongue. Did I love him enough to let him go? To be continue....

Turn Off the Lights

It became a routine, the call which led to the dirty talk then the bust. I couldn't hold back the cravings it was like a cry for help to speak to him, to hear his voice, the grunts that made my toes excited and my senses rise because it was a habit and I became hooked. The tone of excitement in my moans as I'm close to his left ear taking him to ecstasy. We became dangerous over the phone since we found that we had freaky tendacies. The full effect of telling him I wanted to start at the tip of his arrogance with my tongue and working my way to his head gently massaging his thickness in a swirling motion letting him release his builtup tension. He caressed my neck letting me know to endure it deeper in order to fulfill my mouth, the hardness of it gave me my longevity and with the interlocking with our hands we breathed heavly. It was the intensity when he placed his lips within my thighs and kissed every part of my body. I wanted more of his emotion and how I could see the pulse of his vein begging to penetrate inside of me again..

To Be Continued..

Hello Hearbreak

Living in the most confident city, you tend to always keep yourself up to par, and of course the game we all play called dating. I look at living in NYC to be a experience that will give me the sense of living life to the fullest and yet so far all I can share is my stories of past dates, past relationships, and anything else that would make me a interesting writer. I consider myself a relationship anthropologist with the potential to be a writer for the gay community to shed light on how I live life as a gay guy in a big city. I remember being at a restaurant called BB Q's, where I received flowers and catch myself running back to Mr. Briggs, no matter what happened the night or week before. I let myself down in so many ways when it comes to love. Hello heartbreak I say,like it's an addiction for me. I can't seem to figure what I have in my life with Briggs and maybe it's meant not to be figured out just yet. I asked him why the flowers? He gave me a reply that he was trying to save what he had, that response just confused me because I didn't even know what we had. I always thought that he would be different, not different like weird but different because out of all the guys that I met since I've been in NYC he called back for the second date. As we sat at BB Q's the hardest habit to get rid of within me just kept nagging over and over. I over think everything and it was the flowers that kept running across my mind, why? Where as I should have just accepted them with the hopes that he was trying to mend things. So there you go one flaw and many more to discover. I was in need of alcohol, lots. We started drinking and I was just sitting there with my big glasses looking like no one other than one of the Olsen twins, a skinny chick with big glasses and a big purse. I have a nickname for you he said "Little Miss Sunshine". I started laughing because out of all the names, Mr. Briggs came up with that one to call me and yes it did fit at the time. We exchanged glances and I held his hand, but why did it feel like it was a secret, just as he introduces me as just a friend who he has relations with and intimate moments with, and I can't forget the fun times of course where we laughed at certain things and we have this thing where we grrr with our fists being balled up at little things that bother us. I miss that now. We was ready to leave and go to some lounge for more drinks and for his meeting with someone named B. Scott. I wasn't expecting to go but he invited me. I was shocked, shocked because for the past week we actually acted like a couple, a happy one. Is happy a disease that we try so hard to get to? .........

Dear Mr. Briggs

With each heartache there is a meaning so is that why you hold on? I was holding on. "Will things change?" after being on the phone with Briggs till 5:30 am, I realized he was the step I took each day without looking back, the one that I gave each heartbeat to. I sat between his legs eating ice cream while he was working on his projects and I thought "Are we here?". The place that I haven't been at for the past 2 weeks, not being able to feel him next to me, would this make up for all the pain we've been through? It looked better from the outside because it was my imagination that had me see it that way. I remembered every word he said, he became my devils advocate the person that picked at me piece by piece and didn't care what my feelings were towards him. He didn't see me like I wished he would, and with my eyes getting watery with the question mark in my head, I asked can we make it, will we make it? I was beginning to feel like I was falling off the edge of my sanity. I looked down as I felt the gulp of stupidity in my throat. When it came to love with Briggs do I honestly believe that he would be my second chance at happiness? It's been said that love comes to you, Mr. Briggs came to me unexpectedly. He let me in his life and I let him in mine. Is anything you really want worth fighting for, and if so is he worth fighting for?

Not Your Stepping Stone

When he touched me I cringed with fear. Not fear of physical abuse but fear of what would happen next. I crept into the bathroom and as I saw myself in the mirror, I knew I lost the one I wanted. I noticed the busted blood vessel in my left eye and the scratches on my arm, was this the feeling you get when someone says they care for you? If I were him would I do the same or would I just shrug my shoulders? That night I wished Mr. Briggs was there instead of the other man that was stressed on life and so shamed of what he had. He blew up with no remorse for his actions and with everything that happened he finally asked me what I wanted from him. A kiss on his lips and my hand slowly letting go I walked off saying "That's all I got for now."

To Be Continued....