Dear Secret

An epiphany, trying so hard to not let another in because I guess Love is jaded, well in my world it is. It starts with a perfect kiss the summer of 08', I gave my time and in return just a lesson learned with a bruise to my self esteem. No one knows about the secret you had me promise not to tell. It took me so long to pick myself back up after you left me with a disease of being lazy to leave, too many times you had me feel like not loving you no more but so many times I just froze and rolled with it, trying so hard to keep you here. I came so far with the knowledge behind the pain you gave me. The poison that had me fooled with the happily ever after it became far from the truth. I had good reason to keep it moving saying "I don't need you" but I stayed with you for that long being submissive to your needs thinking I wouldn't do much better. Did I want to get him back since revenge supposedly is bitter sweet? No I just walked off with an "mmmmok" knowing that he would get what he deserved in the end.

To be continued...

Gave Up Pt 2.

The conversation between our bodies became fluent as if we've known each other from long ago. The contact we made was nothing more than sexual that night. "Damn nigga". I moaned as he aroused my thighs with his thick "yea". It felt so good to feel the extra length while my fingertips clenched down his back, I started arching my back trying to hold in the screams inside. The song was about to end when he said I want to position you differently. He controlled my slow grind by holding my waist with his sexy hands. I remember Keri Hilson's "Make Love" was beginning to play and I felt him taking it slow, matching each voice arrangement I became in tune with the beat. He said he was gonna give it to me "slow and deeper". The best part was the feeling of strong hands on my shoulders motivating me to want more even though my body was shaking. I told him to keep it right there for a moment, hoping he would just bang. The sweat was rolling down his face,neck and his chest after an hour of saying baby please.

To Be Continued....

Love Games

Our song was on repeat that night thinking our chemistry was amazing, how I was able to count on him till he disappeared out of my memory. This time was our last goodbye since I acknowledged the fact that I wasn't his he was someone elses. I missed it all, the signs that told me we had expired. It felt like I couldn't forget him because of the times that he made me smile, put tears on my face, the shook in my heart. Why do we allow ourselves to fall that hard? The first date we met was something like a yes, a yes to all of what I was looking for knowing that it went against everything I write about when it came to relationships. It was today I realized I couldn't wait for him till the time was right but the more I think about it the more I know I missed him. My mind started drifting believing that maybe he didn't care since my train of thought was "If something is good shouldn't it last"? I knew he cared but I needed to let go by all means necessary, trying to make him see that I couldn't be the guy he needed, a backup just in case his current relationship didn't work. How is it that he was everything I wanted in a guy yet everything I couldn't have? I could see his eyes in my phone when he called as his picture came on my screen, the picture the looked at me saying wait patiently. I hesitated to pick up hoping that I was able to push ignore but instead I let the phone ring, understanding that it was my fault for following behind the thought of soul mates. I always thought he would learn to love me without being told but I didn't want to tell him what to do. The many times he apologized about how we couldn't make things official I wasn't afraid to keep this as long as I did but at the end of this phase it killed me knowing that I always seem to find the misery of being lonely. I gotta move on now......

To Be Continued...

Oh So Wrong

He challenged my game after few drinks. The bulge of his strength was rising as he walked back from the kitchen to the couch I knew he was ready to lay it down in the bed. I imagined the intensity as I heard his baritone voice moaning as he gave it to me deeper. The back of my mind was saying is this one a keeper? I needed to seduce his cravings and I needed to realize that I wanted it to be more than sex. The fact still remained I also wanted to fuck. I needed the contact, he grabbed my waist held me in his arms, and fulfilled my mouth with his tongue, he told me he wanted to cater my needs that night. I was over analyzing the comment. I took off his t-shirt his cologne the smell aroused me, I wanted to drop his pants right there but as the second verse to Keri Hilson's "Make Love" was playing I told him to take it easy even though I wanted him to be rough. I felt his bulge and his whispers were playing tricks with my mind, my emotions. I saw the reflection on the mirror of the sexy skin tone against mine as he had me against the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist, damn I needed a cigarette and I don't smoke.

To Be Continued...

Right to be Wrong

I wanted to take the bad with the good but all I got was a scandal after it was over. It was more so I felt the feeling of a 2nd thought. I fell hard and I didn't know how that happened with the happy and sad talks. Was he worth my fall, should he leave his boyfriend? The confusing part of being single is trying to figure out who the right one is. "Do you love me?". The text message after I tried deleting him from what I considered to be for good. The side effect of being in love was draining and the thought of being out of love brought me back to what I called a second thought. I spent too much time worrying why him? I couldn't seem to shake him since all we did was turn around to make up. It felt like the addiction to sex thinking each time we made up it would get better. This was the feeling of playing with love, and if I left would he miss my love or maybe I just misunderstood? We kept talking with the acknowledgment that he had a boyfriend and all I had was his text messages. I wasn't sure where things were going and how deep I got myself into but the truth was that I became unhappy. "If you don't want me then why are you talking to me". The billion dollar question. Mr. Currie didn't give me an answer thinking it would be ok just as long we told each other we loved each other. It became a rotation that I needed to stop but I had more than the right to be wrong

To be continued...

Dedicated To Him

I realized I was drying my eyes puzzled that I kept coming back to the idea that he was the one that I would be with, since hope was what I was holding unto. It was part of the obsession between us just like the space that kept us from trying to figure things out. The agreement of not letting go trying not to say goodbye. I didn't ask to meet him nor he asked to meet me and maybe he was suppose to cross the line of being single with me. I was daydreaming about everything that could be but what good would I get from it. The feeling of it being right was conflicting with my mind saying that it was wrong. Mr. Currie was another guy who happened to have someone in his life but for some reason fell hard for what we had. It was a crash and burn situation from the start since we didn't hit the brakes when it came to telling each other our secrets, our feelings. What happens when your heart is torn for two people and does it make you go insane? As each day that goes by I ask myself could we have prevented it? The emptiness that I desperately tried to fulfill turned out to be the heartbeat of each syllable when I told him "I loved him". The picture of him in a white tee looking down at his phone with the yellow and white painted house became my lifeline of sanity so the distance and the fact I was boyfriend #2 wouldn't bother me making me restless. It was obvious that I was stuck, so what do you with the part of you that wants to stick around because with him you get the feeling of "everything falls away" but the other part is saying this may not be right for us.

To Be Continued..........

416 Hancock

The times he hurt me and with pains at the end of the day. Yes we played the roles of Mr. And Mrs. Smith. After the hate and the complaints since it was the base of our relationship I stayed and just said "I love you". It got obnoxious telling him not to leave me. After 4 months of not seeing him I heard the beating in my chest again as I walked down Hancock. It wasn't the cold but the butterflies I was meeting up with Mr. Briggs. My body shaking of the cold air that night trying to look cute because even after breaking up with someone the rule of spite is to look your best so that he knows what he gave up. I was getting closer trying to pretend it was just a business meeting since that was the angle I used to see him, was it a mistake? It was tough but I felt obligated to allow myself see if I still had feelings for him, if I still had patience. I sat on his couch drinking the tea he made me, looking to the side because he was staring. He gave me a look that I couldn't describe but made me feel some kind of way. It seemed like I was becoming cynical telling myself I was his but after so long of putting my emotions on hold I was being pulled back to my surroundings of misery and it seemed that it was all I needed to keep hating him. I sit here with his head resting on my lap thinking about the risk I didn't take, leaving his doorstep and moving on to the next one.
To be continued......