Monday, April 19, 2010

Why Do You Hate Me

The chapters of Mr. Briggs and I came to an end hoping I would be able to have a new beginning instead of feeling like our relationship was on TIVO trying not to replay the memories. I changed, I saw myself going on multiple dates with nothing but emotional changes because he was still there in the back of my mind. I wish I had a reset button to where I didn't have one last thing to say about him. I found myself holding on to him trying to replace him, the text message that had me question all this. "Why do you hate me?". "Should I hate him?". Most people would say yes if I took a survey but I couldn't. I couldn't hate the person that gave me smiles and lessons even though he gave me bruises and sadness. What a contradiction huh? As I went on these dates I was holding myself back, it was one by one that I said I couldn't continue with another date and the excuse was that I wasn't ready because I had so many things going on in my life but the truth is that after our breakup the walls were manufactured from what was hate or maybe bitterness. I replied "I don't hate people", not sure if I meant it on his behalf though. "So with the ex's in your life how do you shake the lost cause and once you do shake them off where does the love go?"

Friday, January 29, 2010

Back Words

I almost had it, almost had it back because now it's hard to find someone, then deja vu kicked in when he said "I'm not ready to be in one, standing at the fork shaped road again "I don't want to hurt you in the end", the pattern of being told the same thing was what I call a "Boyfriend in Disguise". After so many repeats I learned to walk away whistling and not looking back. A fragile individual I was becoming for love, he had a disguised it for a month, that made me believe this perfect fairy tale and all I am, just a friend. The image of saying goodbye was a slide show that was on repeat, dictating my next relationships. In a world of possibilities with each single person why is it that we're still looking for the next best thing? The burden of what he meant to me made me somehow feel safe and as how unhealthy that sounds it was a safety net. The insanity of not being noticed other than just a guy that came and gone was the back words, yes I wanna go back undo the tragic and the hurt.

To Be Continued....

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Love is a Melody

Love is what I consider to be so many melodies in ones ear. I felt like the piece that you latched on inside my heart start to fall when I woke up separately, hold on this a repeat measure of how much you love someone. The way you became a part of me was hell in a particular way and what explanation would I give since I have nothing but millions of good reasons in my head. Congratulations I made the list within the "stupid in love" quote. I thought maybe if I was consistent you would see that I was trying to love you, guess maybe right now is impossible. The certain urge of irritation clouded my emotions because the way you held me and the way we kissed, the imprint on my lips, the pressure of what we thought was being together. "So after the not really knowing the person are those feelings real you got the first or was it a waste of time?"
"We'll we be ok after this?" I asked him. "When you leave we will be." He responded. A melody of love was different in my ear this time around.

To Be Continued.......

Monday, January 11, 2010

Intervention 101

"Have I done this before?" I asked myself this question as it was presented to me from a guy that I thought I clarified our status. I became the guy that had no salvation when it came to keeping something platonic with guys. I was the guy that stood in the cold, wind blowing in my face with two guys that felt as if I played them having my hands tied behind my back wishing I could press rewind on the what I call "indiscretion" sort a speak. A mistake that brought me no redemption but to an unfortunate cross road where I felt fingers pointing at me no matter which way I turned. I was stuck with just me, myself, and I trying to hide from what I felt was nothing more than a barrel of stones thrown at me. "Did I perform some act of deception?". I believed it that moment and with that thought came others as to how my life went from good to bad, how I sank to depression. The surprise hit me before I went to sleep and as I got up thinking that it was just a dream it wasn't, it was an intervention 101 on my ass.

P.S. I'm sorry........ And to the innocent bystander I'm sorry you were caught up

Friday, January 8, 2010


The task of having him feel you up whenever since I conveniently right there jilted and jabbed my ego and my mind. After the last encounter you kinda get that disease called panic, yes you hurt me at times....It was going on 2 months trying to figure out how two people who went to bed together each night were so distant from each other, it was my complication I laid in bed with hoping that the next morning it wouldn't be just a glance of infatuation but one of endearment because for some reason I find myself ending up in situations that makes these short stories possible. That hope was fail, instead I just get up and straight to the kitchen for tea I go. I realized that after certain flashbacks I was there again, living the moment when I was with Mr. Briggs, having my demeanor picked and poked at because he meant more to me than I did at the time. It was deja vu on some levels while I sip on tea each morning in the kitchen replaying these incidents. Instead of having the official status all I had was the "roommate status". WTF? Another WTF moment is when I get invited out by friends it's never have fun!, instead it's hmmmmok which when you read between the lines its jealousy with an extra "who the hell is he and why are you going?" All that spinning in the head just makes you wanna run into a wall trying to make any sense as to why each night he's the one you hear snore and the one you make sure he has the covers on him because he looks cold. Right now its 4am with still no explanation to this complication except WTF?

To Be Continued....

Saturday, December 5, 2009

My Remedy According to Him

The validation of what we want each other to say is the complicated part when starting out. I asked him the question," what should I say if someone talks to me wanting to be more than friends". The response he gave me was not the response I expected which is full of games but maybe a response of what I call a remedy to my validation. Expecting the tragedy after that night since my track record was nothing more than strike outs after my first relationship. I was becoming the old single gay man with nothing more than fairy tale stories about what I think love is and how intoxicating it is to be in one. The beginning of this story is what is considered the up and downs of one, he bought me a drink and we started talking knowing nothing but each others age which took him by surprise since I was older. I just wanted to be another person in his life since I knew how this story would end, nothing intentional, pretending that I needed to be alone. Peculiar that I looked at him dead in his eyes with a smile that let him know I'm still fragile with a bit of confusion in my gut, hoping my precondition would be something good, he would just get to know me.

To Be Continued.....

Friday, October 30, 2009

I Want it Right Now

His body kept me warm last night while I laid on his chest. The compassion I felt on his lips as he kissed mine, had me grip the sheets, arching my back as he ran his tongue down my chest, rubbed his curve between my legs directing it with my hands letting him he can have it now or later. I looked at him rubbing the top of his head letting me know he wanted the tip of my tongue to give it a massage. The twirl I gave had him moan crossing the line to a slight grunt. After the pleasure he endured it was my turn, aggressively he had me on my back grinding hard guess he wanted to put his claim on it damn "I liked it rough". The intensity he put on my cakes satisfying me had me wrap my legs around his waist giving me something to look at in the mirror, the reflection of his exterior and with the "I want to right now" thought. "Fuck time to go to work".

To Be Continued....