Saturday, June 20, 2009

Dedicated To Him

I realized I was drying my eyes puzzled that I kept coming back to the idea that he was the one that I would be with, since hope was what I was holding unto. It was part of the obsession between us just like the space that kept us from trying to figure things out. The agreement of not letting go trying not to say goodbye. I didn't ask to meet him nor he asked to meet me and maybe he was suppose to cross the line of being single with me. I was daydreaming about everything that could be but what good would I get from it. The feeling of it being right was conflicting with my mind saying that it was wrong. Mr. Currie was another guy who happened to have someone in his life but for some reason fell hard for what we had. It was a crash and burn situation from the start since we didn't hit the brakes when it came to telling each other our secrets, our feelings. What happens when your heart is torn for two people and does it make you go insane? As each day that goes by I ask myself could we have prevented it? The emptiness that I desperately tried to fulfill turned out to be the heartbeat of each syllable when I told him "I loved him". The picture of him in a white tee looking down at his phone with the yellow and white painted house became my lifeline of sanity so the distance and the fact I was boyfriend #2 wouldn't bother me making me restless. It was obvious that I was stuck, so what do you with the part of you that wants to stick around because with him you get the feeling of "everything falls away" but the other part is saying this may not be right for us.

To Be Continued..........

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

416 Hancock

The times he hurt me and with pains at the end of the day. Yes we played the roles of Mr. And Mrs. Smith. After the hate and the complaints since it was the base of our relationship I stayed and just said "I love you". It got obnoxious telling him not to leave me. After 4 months of not seeing him I heard the beating in my chest again as I walked down Hancock. It wasn't the cold but the butterflies I was meeting up with Mr. Briggs. My body shaking of the cold air that night trying to look cute because even after breaking up with someone the rule of spite is to look your best so that he knows what he gave up. I was getting closer trying to pretend it was just a business meeting since that was the angle I used to see him, was it a mistake? It was tough but I felt obligated to allow myself see if I still had feelings for him, if I still had patience. I sat on his couch drinking the tea he made me, looking to the side because he was staring. He gave me a look that I couldn't describe but made me feel some kind of way. It seemed like I was becoming cynical telling myself I was his but after so long of putting my emotions on hold I was being pulled back to my surroundings of misery and it seemed that it was all I needed to keep hating him. I sit here with his head resting on my lap thinking about the risk I didn't take, leaving his doorstep and moving on to the next one.
To be continued......

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Happyily Never After

The broken promises he gave me, said it was just me. I told him I was able to handle the habits the pain, made myself believe that I didn't see the broken ones yet I was the one trying to make our love feel like heaven.It seemed that he was doing the same trying categorize my role as the victim who nags for no reason which made us fall apart. Maybe when it comes to promises they're meant to be broken.He screamed my name at the top of his lungs with his fist held high, telling me I was to blame and I was tired of working so hard tearing my character down. I told him no matter where we were we could still make it work if we'd stop arguing long enough. I stood in the kitchen gathering my thoughts, wrapping my head around what he said. I wanted to let go, "damn" I couldn't pull away. Instead I held on and got burned. In a moment of weakness how far do you go to keep what you think is right? And if fate brought me here why is it more than what you bargained for? I was left hanging making me say what we were thinking. There I was all alone with my reflection that pointed out the hopeless look that embedded my fate. It was as if we were already gone. Looking at him made it harder to say what was at the tip of my tongue. Did I love him enough to let him go? To be continue....

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Turn Off the Lights

It became a routine, the call which led to the dirty talk then the bust. I couldn't hold back the cravings it was like a cry for help to speak to him, to hear his voice, the grunts that made my toes excited and my senses rise because it was a habit and I became hooked. The tone of excitement in my moans as I'm close to his left ear taking him to ecstasy. We became dangerous over the phone since we found that we had freaky tendacies. The full effect of telling him I wanted to start at the tip of his arrogance with my tongue and working my way to his head gently massaging his thickness in a swirling motion letting him release his builtup tension. He caressed my neck letting me know to endure it deeper in order to fulfill my mouth, the hardness of it gave me my longevity and with the interlocking with our hands we breathed heavly. It was the intensity when he placed his lips within my thighs and kissed every part of my body. I wanted more of his emotion and how I could see the pulse of his vein begging to penetrate inside of me again..

To Be Continued..

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Hello Hearbreak

Living in the most confident city, you tend to always keep yourself up to par, and of course the game we all play called dating. I look at living in NYC to be a experience that will give me the sense of living life to the fullest and yet so far all I can share is my stories of past dates, past relationships, and anything else that would make me a interesting writer. I consider myself a relationship anthropologist with the potential to be a writer for the gay community to shed light on how I live life as a gay guy in a big city. I remember being at a restaurant called BB Q's, where I received flowers and catch myself running back to Mr. Briggs, no matter what happened the night or week before. I let myself down in so many ways when it comes to love. Hello heartbreak I say,like it's an addiction for me. I can't seem to figure what I have in my life with Briggs and maybe it's meant not to be figured out just yet. I asked him why the flowers? He gave me a reply that he was trying to save what he had, that response just confused me because I didn't even know what we had. I always thought that he would be different, not different like weird but different because out of all the guys that I met since I've been in NYC he called back for the second date. As we sat at BB Q's the hardest habit to get rid of within me just kept nagging over and over. I over think everything and it was the flowers that kept running across my mind, why? Where as I should have just accepted them with the hopes that he was trying to mend things. So there you go one flaw and many more to discover. I was in need of alcohol, lots. We started drinking and I was just sitting there with my big glasses looking like no one other than one of the Olsen twins, a skinny chick with big glasses and a big purse. I have a nickname for you he said "Little Miss Sunshine". I started laughing because out of all the names, Mr. Briggs came up with that one to call me and yes it did fit at the time. We exchanged glances and I held his hand, but why did it feel like it was a secret, just as he introduces me as just a friend who he has relations with and intimate moments with, and I can't forget the fun times of course where we laughed at certain things and we have this thing where we grrr with our fists being balled up at little things that bother us. I miss that now. We was ready to leave and go to some lounge for more drinks and for his meeting with someone named B. Scott. I wasn't expecting to go but he invited me. I was shocked, shocked because for the past week we actually acted like a couple, a happy one. Is happy a disease that we try so hard to get to? .........

Dear Mr. Briggs

With each heartache there is a meaning so is that why you hold on? I was holding on. "Will things change?" after being on the phone with Briggs till 5:30 am, I realized he was the step I took each day without looking back, the one that I gave each heartbeat to. I sat between his legs eating ice cream while he was working on his projects and I thought "Are we here?". The place that I haven't been at for the past 2 weeks, not being able to feel him next to me, would this make up for all the pain we've been through? It looked better from the outside because it was my imagination that had me see it that way. I remembered every word he said, he became my devils advocate the person that picked at me piece by piece and didn't care what my feelings were towards him. He didn't see me like I wished he would, and with my eyes getting watery with the question mark in my head, I asked can we make it, will we make it? I was beginning to feel like I was falling off the edge of my sanity. I looked down as I felt the gulp of stupidity in my throat. When it came to love with Briggs do I honestly believe that he would be my second chance at happiness? It's been said that love comes to you, Mr. Briggs came to me unexpectedly. He let me in his life and I let him in mine. Is anything you really want worth fighting for, and if so is he worth fighting for?

Not Your Stepping Stone

When he touched me I cringed with fear. Not fear of physical abuse but fear of what would happen next. I crept into the bathroom and as I saw myself in the mirror, I knew I lost the one I wanted. I noticed the busted blood vessel in my left eye and the scratches on my arm, was this the feeling you get when someone says they care for you? If I were him would I do the same or would I just shrug my shoulders? That night I wished Mr. Briggs was there instead of the other man that was stressed on life and so shamed of what he had. He blew up with no remorse for his actions and with everything that happened he finally asked me what I wanted from him. A kiss on his lips and my hand slowly letting go I walked off saying "That's all I got for now."

To Be Continued....

Normal Is Just a Word

I got up this morning with a pain in my stomach maybe from the cold that chilled the room or the cold that chilled my heart. It was another late night with Mr. Briggs at his house watching tv and drinking tea. There was a part of me that couldn't believe that I was back at that place, taking the risk again and the other part of me was at ease because after all that happened in the past we were still able to move forward. He kissed my forehead as I walked in with a hug that embraced me with warmth and instead of a startle it put a smile on my face. I hugged him back hoping that I could seize and this moment of peace. I became part of a rerun with him and of course we became Mr. Big and Carrie Bradshaw looking nervous, was he proving that he was truly sorry for the past? By the end of the show on I was exhausted, I was falling asleep as he laid on my lap and my arm wrapped around him, it felt normal. In a world of abnormal situations do we lack the ability to even try to be normal? We talked about what was new in our lives and even though I wasn't with him I still was able to read him, able to see through the bags under his eyes and the deep thoughts of his life . He was still mine..... And he was right I still loved him and with such dismay at my feelings for him, he held me. He held me tight and all I could do is lay there wondering what the hell was I doing? Will I set myself up for failure again or will we be the couple that never were. "I miss this" I told him as I laid on his chest with the hopes of him not letting go anytime soon. I looked up at him wondering what his facial expressions were and all he did was stare at the ceiling. I couldn't explain it but I understood the silence. I understood that we couldn't get us on track but we were able to figure out eventually that things will happen. That night we just laid there holding each other with pecks on the lips and kisses on our necks, laughing at what we did wrong 4 months ago and the maybe what could become in the future, and with the last thought of "maybe" I fell asleep in his arms no sadness in my heart or mind just happy that we got a chance to be normal.


The bright lights hit the city and I was ready for the city that I live in now. New York became the one city that became more than a place to live, it became my lover, my friend, my goal. The long nights that kept me company because maybe I was a threat when it came to being in relationship. I have a new outlook with relationships and maybe because for once in my life I don't feel the pressure. He took my clothes off and at that time I didn't know how I should have felt but I knew I wasn't wrong nor right. The less I thought about it, the more fantastic it felt as he kissed my neck. He became aroused and as I took his shirt off his pants came off as well. My mission last night was to be a sinner and with confidence I succeeded. When life gives you lemons do we make lemonade? The old saying that for once actually made sense. I had not fear. As we made the connection I realized this was real and it was done. Getting up from his bed I went to get my clothes since that's all it was, a long night with a treat that relaxed my appetite. The kiss on the lips as I left his house was something that I didn't and couldn't take serious for my sake. Riding the train home all I heard in my head was "Take it all baby" he whispered so divinely in my hear the echo with the look he had kept replaying. Strike one, it was me again being someone that cared. Is being in a one night stand a gamble with your heart or is it just what it is, a one night stand?

High On D@ck

The begging sound of him telling me to take him home, the restless thoughts while I was having a drink and the waiting look I saw in his glossy eyes. I couldn't see the damage I was doing. I didn't puff nor snort but it was more than just drugs and I was addicted. The addiction of seduction was my best friend. It became a game on so many levels to me on how many men I would be able to seduce and he was unable to see it as a sport. The mirror in the bathroom that had him eye to eye, face to face when I got up from another client said it all, he couldn't see what I saw. I was defending myself, seeing that more and more I became a regular to these guys who was expecting more than a blow job but a fantasy. Is a dangerous society of sex something we will gamble to get paid? I wanted to pull my eyes out since I couldn't remember what I happened last night and all I remember was someone I met and didn't know his name. He stood by the bed last night as I laid intoxicated with poison and I was giving in because it was my limelight. He wouldn't accept my apology since after my actions who would? Fighting with myself trying to get my head right, he asked me if I'd seen myself, with the drinks last night it didn't matter to me. I was becoming unpredictable and that predictable guy was gone. I was becoming a fiend for sex, with my shoulders back offering propositions that led me to different sheets at night. It was becoming more erotic for him to blindfold me bringing me to the edge and as he maneuvered his tongue downwards that became our agreement. I took his hand and with a firm grip I had him say OH!

I Wrote a Book About Him

It really is a kick to your heart when you see your exes name in a magazine being that you were at a point of forgetting. It was deja vu all over again with Mr. Briggs. The competition was gone with him and as I read his movie being critiqued in a magazine that I submitted my writings to, his name appeared in small font but big as day in my face. I felt the pressure with a fake smile, the stress with a fake laughter right after, I was trying to be cool holding my emotions to a minimum because it wasn't to long ago we actually called it quits. I could hear it all in my ear our conversations, his laughter, his sarcasm that obviously had me addicted. We became MIA to each other. No matter what I do I couldn't get away from him. I decided to call a previous hookup that was still saved in my phone. He was nothing more than just someone that I never turned around for nor became a morning after. When he answered the phone, it was a wtf attitude and as I began to talk I wanted to hang up. I couldn't tell him I needed him just to hold me since it was nothing more than a feel good session to him when it came to me calling him, yet it was what I needed because who I thought was my soul mate was nothing more than just a summer love story that very well be my reason being new york times best seller. All I purposely wanted was to find what use to be my life, something free where it was just me and. I could careless if I did it on the table, bathroom , or even if someone was watching. My feel good session with Maurice became my frustration at the same time, his thrusts against my back released the tension from the agony he brought me, touching me differently with his fitted cap and timbs since he knew that was the fantasy that got me ready. I was showing him the way where his manhood should be. I wanted something different, something less romantic, something rough. I wanted nothing more than to be and feel single. Maybe that was silly but it felt good the way he handled me when he called me "shawty" was how he liked to carry his hard on. The licking of the lips, and the crinkle on his face gave it all away on when he was going to explode. It was satisfying and as I got out of bed to clean up I wasn't numb like I planned on, something was missing and that something was him.

After being back in NYC for over a year there were still things that I haven't learned and still trying to figure out when it came to being part of being in the single category. This new slick website crept into my phone not knowing I would be addicted once I registered. This time it wasn't a gay chat site that I logged into but a regular website or so I thought that led me to many different guys or people that would be looking for something more than friends, maybe just twittering. If dating is as simple meeting a guy online why is it hard to keep it after? When we first spoke he was just a screen name Sc6709, after that he became Mr Curri. What did I say or do to make it that far cause I kept taking a step forward trying to not put up that fortress again and now I'm looking back, was there something about him that it made it harder now to let go because I keep having the same thoughts I had yesterday. It became instant to hold a conversation with him everyday after and as instantly we talked it would be an instant wreck. If choosing to take the plunge knowing that you would fall flat on your face why the plunge? What the hell made us decide to move forward anyway? The hoping and wishing and the fading was starting to settle in and maybe as much as I knew how wrong this was I couldn't stop I needed to know how things were turning out. The problem was that with each day that we spoke I knew that he had someone, a boyfriend that he went home to so was I the 2ND thought. I wanted to wash my hands from all that and with the guessing and not know I was stuck. It was the stuck that made you feel the L-O-V-E, me walking away whistling to every other knock off Mr. Briggs became hard to do. All over again I dug a hole around myself and the very second I stop it's gonna hurt me so does leaving him another version of quitting, and if it isn't why does it feel like a burden when carrying that bag of troubles also known as quitting?

To be continued.........