Saturday, December 5, 2009

My Remedy According to Him

The validation of what we want each other to say is the complicated part when starting out. I asked him the question," what should I say if someone talks to me wanting to be more than friends". The response he gave me was not the response I expected which is full of games but maybe a response of what I call a remedy to my validation. Expecting the tragedy after that night since my track record was nothing more than strike outs after my first relationship. I was becoming the old single gay man with nothing more than fairy tale stories about what I think love is and how intoxicating it is to be in one. The beginning of this story is what is considered the up and downs of one, he bought me a drink and we started talking knowing nothing but each others age which took him by surprise since I was older. I just wanted to be another person in his life since I knew how this story would end, nothing intentional, pretending that I needed to be alone. Peculiar that I looked at him dead in his eyes with a smile that let him know I'm still fragile with a bit of confusion in my gut, hoping my precondition would be something good, he would just get to know me.

To Be Continued.....

Friday, October 30, 2009

I Want it Right Now

His body kept me warm last night while I laid on his chest. The compassion I felt on his lips as he kissed mine, had me grip the sheets, arching my back as he ran his tongue down my chest, rubbed his curve between my legs directing it with my hands letting him he can have it now or later. I looked at him rubbing the top of his head letting me know he wanted the tip of my tongue to give it a massage. The twirl I gave had him moan crossing the line to a slight grunt. After the pleasure he endured it was my turn, aggressively he had me on my back grinding hard guess he wanted to put his claim on it damn "I liked it rough". The intensity he put on my cakes satisfying me had me wrap my legs around his waist giving me something to look at in the mirror, the reflection of his exterior and with the "I want to right now" thought. "Fuck time to go to work".

To Be Continued....

I Want it Right Now

His body kept me warm last night while I laid on his chest. The compassion I felt on his lips as he kissed mine, had me grip the sheets, arching my back as he ran his tongue down my chest, rubbed his curve between my legs directing it with my hands letting him he can have it now or later. I looked at him rubbing the top of his head letting me know he wanted the tip of my tongue to give it a massage. The twirl I gave had him moan crossing the line to a slight grunt. After the pleasure he endured it was my turn, aggressively he had me on my back grinding hard guess he wanted to put his claim on it damn "I liked it rough". The intensity he put on my cakes satisfing me had me wrap my legs around his waist giving me something to look at in the mirror, the reflection of his exterior and with the "I want to right now" thought. "Fuck time to go to work".

To Be Continued....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Dear Secret

An epiphany, trying so hard to not let another in because I guess Love is jaded, well in my world it is. It starts with a perfect kiss the summer of 08', I gave my time and in return just a lesson learned with a bruise to my self esteem. No one knows about the secret you had me promise not to tell. It took me so long to pick myself back up after you left me with a disease of being lazy to leave, too many times you had me feel like not loving you no more but so many times I just froze and rolled with it, trying so hard to keep you here. I came so far with the knowledge behind the pain you gave me. The poison that had me fooled with the happily ever after it became far from the truth. I had good reason to keep it moving saying "I don't need you" but I stayed with you for that long being submissive to your needs thinking I wouldn't do much better. Did I want to get him back since revenge supposedly is bitter sweet? No I just walked off with an "mmmmok" knowing that he would get what he deserved in the end.

To be continued...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Gave Up Pt 2.

The conversation between our bodies became fluent as if we've known each other from long ago. The contact we made was nothing more than sexual that night. "Damn nigga". I moaned as he aroused my thighs with his thick "yea". It felt so good to feel the extra length while my fingertips clenched down his back, I started arching my back trying to hold in the screams inside. The song was about to end when he said I want to position you differently. He controlled my slow grind by holding my waist with his sexy hands. I remember Keri Hilson's "Make Love" was beginning to play and I felt him taking it slow, matching each voice arrangement I became in tune with the beat. He said he was gonna give it to me "slow and deeper". The best part was the feeling of strong hands on my shoulders motivating me to want more even though my body was shaking. I told him to keep it right there for a moment, hoping he would just bang. The sweat was rolling down his face,neck and his chest after an hour of saying baby please.

To Be Continued....

Friday, July 10, 2009

Love Games

Our song was on repeat that night thinking our chemistry was amazing, how I was able to count on him till he disappeared out of my memory. This time was our last goodbye since I acknowledged the fact that I wasn't his he was someone elses. I missed it all, the signs that told me we had expired. It felt like I couldn't forget him because of the times that he made me smile, put tears on my face, the shook in my heart. Why do we allow ourselves to fall that hard? The first date we met was something like a yes, a yes to all of what I was looking for knowing that it went against everything I write about when it came to relationships. It was today I realized I couldn't wait for him till the time was right but the more I think about it the more I know I missed him. My mind started drifting believing that maybe he didn't care since my train of thought was "If something is good shouldn't it last"? I knew he cared but I needed to let go by all means necessary, trying to make him see that I couldn't be the guy he needed, a backup just in case his current relationship didn't work. How is it that he was everything I wanted in a guy yet everything I couldn't have? I could see his eyes in my phone when he called as his picture came on my screen, the picture the looked at me saying wait patiently. I hesitated to pick up hoping that I was able to push ignore but instead I let the phone ring, understanding that it was my fault for following behind the thought of soul mates. I always thought he would learn to love me without being told but I didn't want to tell him what to do. The many times he apologized about how we couldn't make things official I wasn't afraid to keep this as long as I did but at the end of this phase it killed me knowing that I always seem to find the misery of being lonely. I gotta move on now......

To Be Continued...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Oh So Wrong

He challenged my game after few drinks. The bulge of his strength was rising as he walked back from the kitchen to the couch I knew he was ready to lay it down in the bed. I imagined the intensity as I heard his baritone voice moaning as he gave it to me deeper. The back of my mind was saying is this one a keeper? I needed to seduce his cravings and I needed to realize that I wanted it to be more than sex. The fact still remained I also wanted to fuck. I needed the contact, he grabbed my waist held me in his arms, and fulfilled my mouth with his tongue, he told me he wanted to cater my needs that night. I was over analyzing the comment. I took off his t-shirt his cologne the smell aroused me, I wanted to drop his pants right there but as the second verse to Keri Hilson's "Make Love" was playing I told him to take it easy even though I wanted him to be rough. I felt his bulge and his whispers were playing tricks with my mind, my emotions. I saw the reflection on the mirror of the sexy skin tone against mine as he had me against the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist, damn I needed a cigarette and I don't smoke.

To Be Continued...

Right to be Wrong

I wanted to take the bad with the good but all I got was a scandal after it was over. It was more so I felt the feeling of a 2nd thought. I fell hard and I didn't know how that happened with the happy and sad talks. Was he worth my fall, should he leave his boyfriend? The confusing part of being single is trying to figure out who the right one is. "Do you love me?". The text message after I tried deleting him from what I considered to be for good. The side effect of being in love was draining and the thought of being out of love brought me back to what I called a second thought. I spent too much time worrying why him? I couldn't seem to shake him since all we did was turn around to make up. It felt like the addiction to sex thinking each time we made up it would get better. This was the feeling of playing with love, and if I left would he miss my love or maybe I just misunderstood? We kept talking with the acknowledgment that he had a boyfriend and all I had was his text messages. I wasn't sure where things were going and how deep I got myself into but the truth was that I became unhappy. "If you don't want me then why are you talking to me". The billion dollar question. Mr. Currie didn't give me an answer thinking it would be ok just as long we told each other we loved each other. It became a rotation that I needed to stop but I had more than the right to be wrong

To be continued...

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Dedicated To Him

I realized I was drying my eyes puzzled that I kept coming back to the idea that he was the one that I would be with, since hope was what I was holding unto. It was part of the obsession between us just like the space that kept us from trying to figure things out. The agreement of not letting go trying not to say goodbye. I didn't ask to meet him nor he asked to meet me and maybe he was suppose to cross the line of being single with me. I was daydreaming about everything that could be but what good would I get from it. The feeling of it being right was conflicting with my mind saying that it was wrong. Mr. Currie was another guy who happened to have someone in his life but for some reason fell hard for what we had. It was a crash and burn situation from the start since we didn't hit the brakes when it came to telling each other our secrets, our feelings. What happens when your heart is torn for two people and does it make you go insane? As each day that goes by I ask myself could we have prevented it? The emptiness that I desperately tried to fulfill turned out to be the heartbeat of each syllable when I told him "I loved him". The picture of him in a white tee looking down at his phone with the yellow and white painted house became my lifeline of sanity so the distance and the fact I was boyfriend #2 wouldn't bother me making me restless. It was obvious that I was stuck, so what do you with the part of you that wants to stick around because with him you get the feeling of "everything falls away" but the other part is saying this may not be right for us.

To Be Continued..........

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

416 Hancock

The times he hurt me and with pains at the end of the day. Yes we played the roles of Mr. And Mrs. Smith. After the hate and the complaints since it was the base of our relationship I stayed and just said "I love you". It got obnoxious telling him not to leave me. After 4 months of not seeing him I heard the beating in my chest again as I walked down Hancock. It wasn't the cold but the butterflies I was meeting up with Mr. Briggs. My body shaking of the cold air that night trying to look cute because even after breaking up with someone the rule of spite is to look your best so that he knows what he gave up. I was getting closer trying to pretend it was just a business meeting since that was the angle I used to see him, was it a mistake? It was tough but I felt obligated to allow myself see if I still had feelings for him, if I still had patience. I sat on his couch drinking the tea he made me, looking to the side because he was staring. He gave me a look that I couldn't describe but made me feel some kind of way. It seemed like I was becoming cynical telling myself I was his but after so long of putting my emotions on hold I was being pulled back to my surroundings of misery and it seemed that it was all I needed to keep hating him. I sit here with his head resting on my lap thinking about the risk I didn't take, leaving his doorstep and moving on to the next one.
To be continued......

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Happyily Never After

The broken promises he gave me, said it was just me. I told him I was able to handle the habits the pain, made myself believe that I didn't see the broken ones yet I was the one trying to make our love feel like heaven.It seemed that he was doing the same trying categorize my role as the victim who nags for no reason which made us fall apart. Maybe when it comes to promises they're meant to be broken.He screamed my name at the top of his lungs with his fist held high, telling me I was to blame and I was tired of working so hard tearing my character down. I told him no matter where we were we could still make it work if we'd stop arguing long enough. I stood in the kitchen gathering my thoughts, wrapping my head around what he said. I wanted to let go, "damn" I couldn't pull away. Instead I held on and got burned. In a moment of weakness how far do you go to keep what you think is right? And if fate brought me here why is it more than what you bargained for? I was left hanging making me say what we were thinking. There I was all alone with my reflection that pointed out the hopeless look that embedded my fate. It was as if we were already gone. Looking at him made it harder to say what was at the tip of my tongue. Did I love him enough to let him go? To be continue....

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Turn Off the Lights

It became a routine, the call which led to the dirty talk then the bust. I couldn't hold back the cravings it was like a cry for help to speak to him, to hear his voice, the grunts that made my toes excited and my senses rise because it was a habit and I became hooked. The tone of excitement in my moans as I'm close to his left ear taking him to ecstasy. We became dangerous over the phone since we found that we had freaky tendacies. The full effect of telling him I wanted to start at the tip of his arrogance with my tongue and working my way to his head gently massaging his thickness in a swirling motion letting him release his builtup tension. He caressed my neck letting me know to endure it deeper in order to fulfill my mouth, the hardness of it gave me my longevity and with the interlocking with our hands we breathed heavly. It was the intensity when he placed his lips within my thighs and kissed every part of my body. I wanted more of his emotion and how I could see the pulse of his vein begging to penetrate inside of me again..

To Be Continued..

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Hello Hearbreak

Living in the most confident city, you tend to always keep yourself up to par, and of course the game we all play called dating. I look at living in NYC to be a experience that will give me the sense of living life to the fullest and yet so far all I can share is my stories of past dates, past relationships, and anything else that would make me a interesting writer. I consider myself a relationship anthropologist with the potential to be a writer for the gay community to shed light on how I live life as a gay guy in a big city. I remember being at a restaurant called BB Q's, where I received flowers and catch myself running back to Mr. Briggs, no matter what happened the night or week before. I let myself down in so many ways when it comes to love. Hello heartbreak I say,like it's an addiction for me. I can't seem to figure what I have in my life with Briggs and maybe it's meant not to be figured out just yet. I asked him why the flowers? He gave me a reply that he was trying to save what he had, that response just confused me because I didn't even know what we had. I always thought that he would be different, not different like weird but different because out of all the guys that I met since I've been in NYC he called back for the second date. As we sat at BB Q's the hardest habit to get rid of within me just kept nagging over and over. I over think everything and it was the flowers that kept running across my mind, why? Where as I should have just accepted them with the hopes that he was trying to mend things. So there you go one flaw and many more to discover. I was in need of alcohol, lots. We started drinking and I was just sitting there with my big glasses looking like no one other than one of the Olsen twins, a skinny chick with big glasses and a big purse. I have a nickname for you he said "Little Miss Sunshine". I started laughing because out of all the names, Mr. Briggs came up with that one to call me and yes it did fit at the time. We exchanged glances and I held his hand, but why did it feel like it was a secret, just as he introduces me as just a friend who he has relations with and intimate moments with, and I can't forget the fun times of course where we laughed at certain things and we have this thing where we grrr with our fists being balled up at little things that bother us. I miss that now. We was ready to leave and go to some lounge for more drinks and for his meeting with someone named B. Scott. I wasn't expecting to go but he invited me. I was shocked, shocked because for the past week we actually acted like a couple, a happy one. Is happy a disease that we try so hard to get to? .........

Dear Mr. Briggs

With each heartache there is a meaning so is that why you hold on? I was holding on. "Will things change?" after being on the phone with Briggs till 5:30 am, I realized he was the step I took each day without looking back, the one that I gave each heartbeat to. I sat between his legs eating ice cream while he was working on his projects and I thought "Are we here?". The place that I haven't been at for the past 2 weeks, not being able to feel him next to me, would this make up for all the pain we've been through? It looked better from the outside because it was my imagination that had me see it that way. I remembered every word he said, he became my devils advocate the person that picked at me piece by piece and didn't care what my feelings were towards him. He didn't see me like I wished he would, and with my eyes getting watery with the question mark in my head, I asked can we make it, will we make it? I was beginning to feel like I was falling off the edge of my sanity. I looked down as I felt the gulp of stupidity in my throat. When it came to love with Briggs do I honestly believe that he would be my second chance at happiness? It's been said that love comes to you, Mr. Briggs came to me unexpectedly. He let me in his life and I let him in mine. Is anything you really want worth fighting for, and if so is he worth fighting for?

Not Your Stepping Stone

When he touched me I cringed with fear. Not fear of physical abuse but fear of what would happen next. I crept into the bathroom and as I saw myself in the mirror, I knew I lost the one I wanted. I noticed the busted blood vessel in my left eye and the scratches on my arm, was this the feeling you get when someone says they care for you? If I were him would I do the same or would I just shrug my shoulders? That night I wished Mr. Briggs was there instead of the other man that was stressed on life and so shamed of what he had. He blew up with no remorse for his actions and with everything that happened he finally asked me what I wanted from him. A kiss on his lips and my hand slowly letting go I walked off saying "That's all I got for now."

To Be Continued....

Normal Is Just a Word

I got up this morning with a pain in my stomach maybe from the cold that chilled the room or the cold that chilled my heart. It was another late night with Mr. Briggs at his house watching tv and drinking tea. There was a part of me that couldn't believe that I was back at that place, taking the risk again and the other part of me was at ease because after all that happened in the past we were still able to move forward. He kissed my forehead as I walked in with a hug that embraced me with warmth and instead of a startle it put a smile on my face. I hugged him back hoping that I could seize and this moment of peace. I became part of a rerun with him and of course we became Mr. Big and Carrie Bradshaw looking nervous, was he proving that he was truly sorry for the past? By the end of the show on I was exhausted, I was falling asleep as he laid on my lap and my arm wrapped around him, it felt normal. In a world of abnormal situations do we lack the ability to even try to be normal? We talked about what was new in our lives and even though I wasn't with him I still was able to read him, able to see through the bags under his eyes and the deep thoughts of his life . He was still mine..... And he was right I still loved him and with such dismay at my feelings for him, he held me. He held me tight and all I could do is lay there wondering what the hell was I doing? Will I set myself up for failure again or will we be the couple that never were. "I miss this" I told him as I laid on his chest with the hopes of him not letting go anytime soon. I looked up at him wondering what his facial expressions were and all he did was stare at the ceiling. I couldn't explain it but I understood the silence. I understood that we couldn't get us on track but we were able to figure out eventually that things will happen. That night we just laid there holding each other with pecks on the lips and kisses on our necks, laughing at what we did wrong 4 months ago and the maybe what could become in the future, and with the last thought of "maybe" I fell asleep in his arms no sadness in my heart or mind just happy that we got a chance to be normal.


The bright lights hit the city and I was ready for the city that I live in now. New York became the one city that became more than a place to live, it became my lover, my friend, my goal. The long nights that kept me company because maybe I was a threat when it came to being in relationship. I have a new outlook with relationships and maybe because for once in my life I don't feel the pressure. He took my clothes off and at that time I didn't know how I should have felt but I knew I wasn't wrong nor right. The less I thought about it, the more fantastic it felt as he kissed my neck. He became aroused and as I took his shirt off his pants came off as well. My mission last night was to be a sinner and with confidence I succeeded. When life gives you lemons do we make lemonade? The old saying that for once actually made sense. I had not fear. As we made the connection I realized this was real and it was done. Getting up from his bed I went to get my clothes since that's all it was, a long night with a treat that relaxed my appetite. The kiss on the lips as I left his house was something that I didn't and couldn't take serious for my sake. Riding the train home all I heard in my head was "Take it all baby" he whispered so divinely in my hear the echo with the look he had kept replaying. Strike one, it was me again being someone that cared. Is being in a one night stand a gamble with your heart or is it just what it is, a one night stand?

High On D@ck

The begging sound of him telling me to take him home, the restless thoughts while I was having a drink and the waiting look I saw in his glossy eyes. I couldn't see the damage I was doing. I didn't puff nor snort but it was more than just drugs and I was addicted. The addiction of seduction was my best friend. It became a game on so many levels to me on how many men I would be able to seduce and he was unable to see it as a sport. The mirror in the bathroom that had him eye to eye, face to face when I got up from another client said it all, he couldn't see what I saw. I was defending myself, seeing that more and more I became a regular to these guys who was expecting more than a blow job but a fantasy. Is a dangerous society of sex something we will gamble to get paid? I wanted to pull my eyes out since I couldn't remember what I happened last night and all I remember was someone I met and didn't know his name. He stood by the bed last night as I laid intoxicated with poison and I was giving in because it was my limelight. He wouldn't accept my apology since after my actions who would? Fighting with myself trying to get my head right, he asked me if I'd seen myself, with the drinks last night it didn't matter to me. I was becoming unpredictable and that predictable guy was gone. I was becoming a fiend for sex, with my shoulders back offering propositions that led me to different sheets at night. It was becoming more erotic for him to blindfold me bringing me to the edge and as he maneuvered his tongue downwards that became our agreement. I took his hand and with a firm grip I had him say OH!

I Wrote a Book About Him

It really is a kick to your heart when you see your exes name in a magazine being that you were at a point of forgetting. It was deja vu all over again with Mr. Briggs. The competition was gone with him and as I read his movie being critiqued in a magazine that I submitted my writings to, his name appeared in small font but big as day in my face. I felt the pressure with a fake smile, the stress with a fake laughter right after, I was trying to be cool holding my emotions to a minimum because it wasn't to long ago we actually called it quits. I could hear it all in my ear our conversations, his laughter, his sarcasm that obviously had me addicted. We became MIA to each other. No matter what I do I couldn't get away from him. I decided to call a previous hookup that was still saved in my phone. He was nothing more than just someone that I never turned around for nor became a morning after. When he answered the phone, it was a wtf attitude and as I began to talk I wanted to hang up. I couldn't tell him I needed him just to hold me since it was nothing more than a feel good session to him when it came to me calling him, yet it was what I needed because who I thought was my soul mate was nothing more than just a summer love story that very well be my reason being new york times best seller. All I purposely wanted was to find what use to be my life, something free where it was just me and. I could careless if I did it on the table, bathroom , or even if someone was watching. My feel good session with Maurice became my frustration at the same time, his thrusts against my back released the tension from the agony he brought me, touching me differently with his fitted cap and timbs since he knew that was the fantasy that got me ready. I was showing him the way where his manhood should be. I wanted something different, something less romantic, something rough. I wanted nothing more than to be and feel single. Maybe that was silly but it felt good the way he handled me when he called me "shawty" was how he liked to carry his hard on. The licking of the lips, and the crinkle on his face gave it all away on when he was going to explode. It was satisfying and as I got out of bed to clean up I wasn't numb like I planned on, something was missing and that something was him.

After being back in NYC for over a year there were still things that I haven't learned and still trying to figure out when it came to being part of being in the single category. This new slick website crept into my phone not knowing I would be addicted once I registered. This time it wasn't a gay chat site that I logged into but a regular website or so I thought that led me to many different guys or people that would be looking for something more than friends, maybe just twittering. If dating is as simple meeting a guy online why is it hard to keep it after? When we first spoke he was just a screen name Sc6709, after that he became Mr Curri. What did I say or do to make it that far cause I kept taking a step forward trying to not put up that fortress again and now I'm looking back, was there something about him that it made it harder now to let go because I keep having the same thoughts I had yesterday. It became instant to hold a conversation with him everyday after and as instantly we talked it would be an instant wreck. If choosing to take the plunge knowing that you would fall flat on your face why the plunge? What the hell made us decide to move forward anyway? The hoping and wishing and the fading was starting to settle in and maybe as much as I knew how wrong this was I couldn't stop I needed to know how things were turning out. The problem was that with each day that we spoke I knew that he had someone, a boyfriend that he went home to so was I the 2ND thought. I wanted to wash my hands from all that and with the guessing and not know I was stuck. It was the stuck that made you feel the L-O-V-E, me walking away whistling to every other knock off Mr. Briggs became hard to do. All over again I dug a hole around myself and the very second I stop it's gonna hurt me so does leaving him another version of quitting, and if it isn't why does it feel like a burden when carrying that bag of troubles also known as quitting?

To be continued.........